The Tory Playbook (Part II)
5 MINUTE READ
How did the Conservative Party get like this? What is the plan behind the scenes to consolidate power? Henri Colens outlines the Tory Playbook.
The following is a step-by-step guide for how to radicalise a political party and maintain power in Britain. For the Playbook to succeed, you need time and steely determination. Do not waver, do not get side-tracked. Follow the steps, and power will eventually flow back to you.
The Early Years…
Pick electoral candidates that reflect the prejudices of local constituents (who have been poisoned and groomed for years by client media often owned by non dom elites).
Seek easy answers to the serious questions of the day (because that’s what intellectually lazy and unqualified electoral candidates do).
Devolve economic & social policy to outside interests, preferably those with offices at Tufton Street (thereby allowing the ideology of non dom elites to become Party policy).
Raise funds from everywhere and anywhere. Don’t worry about where it comes from. Russia, fine! China, sure! This money is vital for installing a Tory war machine. Get the best advisors, even if you have to fly them in from Australia (hello Lynton). Poach from the national broadcaster and glean their secrets (hey, everyone does that!).
Master the “dark arts”. Play to the electorate’s base instincts. If your candidate is a dope, then even better. Campaign as if your very existence depends on it. Don’t be afraid to go negative, and when you do, go all in. Politics is best fought in the mud. If you blow your dog-whistle, eventually the people you want on your side will come running. These will be loyal, good, hard-working people. OK, they may have some strange opinions, but appeal to them, and they will reward you with undying loyalty.
The Middle Years…
Gleefully win a generational referendum by the tightest of margins (and claim it is conclusive and binding, even though you broke the rules, lied to the electorate and (allegedly) colluded with Russia to do so; elevate an unelected dimwit goblin to negotiate the best deal with the EU, and then cross your fingers very tightly…).
Talking of Russia, don’t talk about Russia, and mothball the official report into the Government and the Party’s relationships with Russian assets (all the while giving those assets a seat in the House of Lords). When the time comes make a great song and dance about your new friendship with Ukraine.
If you encounter tough questions feel free to avoid them, or lie (signalling to your supporters that you remain committed to the cause). Inject the lie into public life. Make it a lingua franca to deal in lies. Deliver half-truths as if they were full facts. And when caught, look sheepish and say: “everybody lies”.
Lie about… Turkey joining the EU, about having the fastest growth in the G7, about having lowered taxation. Lie that the covid vaccine rollout was so much faster because of Brexit. Repeat the lie often enough and it will become the truth. Lie that giving nurses a pay rise would cause inflation, but deny that a 40% rise in energy bills would have the same effect. Lie about having been “up front” about your dealings with the taxman, that your friend “for ding-dang-sure knew nothing” about your finances. Lie about poverty being lower now than 13 years ago. Lie surreptitiously, lie wantonly. Make your slogans a lie (take back control, levelling up Britain, oven-ready deal). Lie on the side of a big red bus. Lie like Boris Johnson or Liz Truss. Lie brazenly, with a posh voice and a sneering smile, lie constantly, with relish and never tire, until you are on TV and your pants catch fire.
But on Brexit, you really have to sell the lie. Make it clear “no-one is talking about leaving the single market” before leaving the single market. Assure everyone “that food will be much cheaper after we leave” before prices rise sharply. State categorically that NHS waiting times will go down and service quality will go up (helped by an extra 350 million per week), and when both turn out to be whoppers, turn on the charm and blame it all NHS managers. At the weekly constituency cocktail party, scoff at the rumours of a border in the Irish Sea. Then base your plans on a border in the Irish Sea. On Brexit, you’ll need to lie about everything. Because while Project Fear was a lovely slogan, it turns out it was Project Absolutely Correct.
Circumvent normal democratic processes in order to force through unorthodox or illegal legislation (claiming you were forced into it by the other side’s intransigence).
State that you are working hard, building new hospitals and increasing police numbers (when in fact you are doing nothing of the sort).
Do all you can to denigrate public service and corrupt politics (by indulging in open cronyism, cash-for-questions, cash-for-peerages, wallpaper-for-access, cake-for-ambush, tractors-for-porn, Chris Pincher, Andrew Bridgen, David Warburton etc. etc. etc.).
Claim to be the Party of Climate Change and roll out an ambitious agenda for the future (which you will totally ignore and come to resent when the money runs out).
Leave the EU (finally!), talk about sunlit uplands, a country unshackled and ready to seize the benefits of its new-found freedom (and then totally balls it up, demonise the experts who foresaw the catastrophe. One minute say “It’s going great!”, but seconds later but blame Remainers and the EU because “It’s terrible!”).
The Recent Years…
When the monarch’s husband dies, party like it’s 1999. Then don black garb and adopt long faces. (Then laugh like a hyena at the funeral).
Only deal with hand-picked media outlets that are favourable to the cause (ensuring your message is “unfiltered” by pernicious journalists and experts). Does anyone fancy setting up a TV channel with a catchy name, such as GB News?
As a long-time unionist party do everything in your power to undermine the Union (thereby getting rid of those frightful Scots and Irish loons once and for all).
At all times side with your corporate paymasters who continue to dump sewage into rivers, hike up energy prices and dismantle the NHS (all while bleating about the opposition being in thrall to “union paymasters”).
When the monarch dies, do not under any circumstances whatsoever party, and sensibly begin 10 days of mourning (which gives you ample time to take leave of your senses, undergo a lobotomy, take drugs, laugh like a hyena at the funeral, and then…).
Allow your cronies to exploit and crash the economy (thereby reducing living standards and the economic prospects of low-middle income people).
Claim your opponents have a shady agenda, that is un-British and wicked (and accuse them of doing all the things you are doing).
Appoint as many of your cronies to positions of influence within social and cultural institutions (ensuring you can bend them to your way of thinking or undermine them if they do not comply). This can be the BBC, which has strict impartiality rules, which you can gleefully set about dismantling from within. Capturing a state broadcaster is no mean feat - give yourself a pat on the back!
Whenever challenged, blame some nebulous fictional construct (such as “the anti-growth coalition” or some other figment of your imagination). Then lean on the helpful work of ‘pollsters’ and ‘academics' such as Matt Goodwin, who have written books about the country “being run by Liberal elites”. Smile agreeably when it is pointed out that these “pollsters” and “academics” are themselves funded by shady non-dom pressure groups, masquerading as Think Tanks, such as the Legatum Institute.
Or failing that, blame foreigners and immigrants for the problems you are responsible for (an attempt to distract some of the population and, if you’re lucky, pit them against each other). Later still, blame the homeless and vagrants. Draft legislation to dehumanise them. And when prominent media types suggest this reminds them of 1930s Germany, get your cronies (see point 8) to cancel them.
Undermine the idea of free and fair elections, introduce voter-ID and legislate to make it harder for some of your opponents’ supporters to vote (i.e. take a leaf out the GOP Playbook (Blogpost coming soon), and make it easier to maintain the pretence of democracy whilst you work to undermine it).
And there you have it! Source the ingredients, follow the recipe and you’re done! 13 years of glorious government will follow. Allowing you time to ingratiate yourself with the wealthy global elite you so greedily covet. Good luck, and remember, keep grifting!
The Tory Playbook (Part III) is coming soon.